‘The tunnel of loneliness’

Kelly Forster won a Mental Health Foundation Australia award for her piece 'The Tunnel of Loneliness". 145294 Picture: STEWART CHAMBERS

By KELLY FORSTER

As part of Mental Health Week, the Gazette is sharing a creative piece written by 17-year-old Kelly Forster, of Pakenham. Her emotive story recently won a Mental Health Foundation Australia award.

PEOPLE say that there is always a light at the end of the tunnel. The thing is, how long would you have to tread in the darkness to find that light? What if you’re walking in the wrong direction, only delving deeper into the darkness and you feel lost, not knowing which way to go? Maybe you’re scared of the light, afraid that it would be too bright for you to handle. You would close your eyes to block it out and open them to find yourself in the dark tunnel again, only deeper?
Would you even try to find the light … or would you prefer to stay in that darkness alone, where you know you’re alone and can’t get hurt?
I prefer to stay in that tunnel. Where I’m alone and feel safe and protected by the darkness that surrounds me. Far away from the bright light that is hidden in the darkness, I’m happy and safe. At least that’s what I used to tell myself. That was until ‘they’ came into my life. ‘They’ knocked down the walls I had built up and rescued me from the soul-destroying darkness. Gently clutching my hand, ‘they’ pulled me away from the darkness that was slowly turning my heart to black and hiding me from the world. Leading me towards the dim light that started to grow bigger and brighter as we get closer to it.
I was hesitant to walk any further when the light started getting blindingly bright, almost too much for me to keep my eyes open. I started to feel scared but, with a gentle push in the direction of the light, I took one last look at the darkness and took one step forward into the over powering light, squeezing my eyes tightly shut as it consumed my entire being.
When I opened my eyes I saw I was in the real world. Not my world! I felt my eyes widen in fright and suddenly I became scared about being in this gigantic world. A world full of pain, misery and people who can be cruel and who make the world much worse than it already is.
Feeling my knees shake, I couldn’t stand any longer and I fell to the floor, landing on my knees. Sitting on the back of my legs, breathing out shakily I tightly clenched my eyes shut and covered my face with my hands, willing myself to be back in that darkness I find so comforting.
Feeling my eyes slightly water behind my closed lids and the lump in my throat, I feel myself getting ready to cry from fear.
Before a single tear can escape my eyes I feel warm, comforting hands being placed over my hands, gently removing them from my face.
With wide eyes I turn my face up to see the soft smiling face of ‘them’, silently begging me with encouraging eyes to not cry and offering me comfort. With my eyes now dry, no longer feeling afraid, ‘they’ pulled me back up from the cold floor and pulled me along the cold and unforgiving world that seems brighter and warmer now that I’m not alone.
I thought I was happy in the darkness. Feeling safe, hidden from the cruel reality of the real world, being alone and finding comfort and safety in the darkness. Only now realising that darkness was sinking into me, turning my soul cold and dark and my heart to stone, turning me selfish and afraid of the world.
Now only realising I was never really happy being alone. There was always that hole in my heart that needed to be filled. I was letting the darkness seep into that hole, filling it with negative emotions that were consuming me.
I know what that light of the end of the tunnel is and I’m not afraid of it anymore. It’s the darkness now that I’m truly scared of. That darkness was the dark side of reality and that’s all I thought of the world, as a dark place. I know what that light at the end of the tunnel truly is.
That hole in my heart needs to be filled to make me see through the dark, the pain and the loneliness. To help me accept reality, and not to fear it, to help pick me up and move me on from what it may bring. To help me fight my fears and troubles. To help me escape the dark tunnel.
As I walk through reality I look beside me and ‘they’ look back at me and smile happily. I feel myself smile back without hesitation. A real smile!
I look forward, still smiling that same smile and keep going forward with my head held high. Going through the world, living through the pain and sadness but always knowing that ‘they’ are beside me helping me through the cruel world, the world full of war and hate. There is always a bright side to life.
You’ve got to see that and cherish it, living life as it should be lived.
That light at the end of the tunnel is the bright side and happiness to every dark side. What can fill in the hole in our hearts is the same thing that can get us through life more easily. It will pick us up if we fall down and tell us it will all be OK. That ‘they’ will stand beside us through thick and thin, no matter what! Making you smile through the pain of life. Helping us stay in the light to make us happy and pulling us out of the dark.
It is what everybody needs and nobody should live without. It’s something that ‘they’ can give you. It is hope and love!