DAVE: Hi boys, welcome to our very special Federal Election edition of Let’s Talk Sport…and let’s get straight into it.
Let’s imagine for a minute – God help us – that you two are the leading candidates for our local seat, you’re out the front of the polling booth on Saturday and two bus loads of footballers, netballers, administrators and supporters rock up together from the one club.
C’mon, sell yourselves boys, what are your realistic, or over-the-top, election promises to sporting clubs that will win you the votes…what do they need right now?
Tyler, let’s start with you.
TYLER: If this election campaign has taught me one thing, it’s that making completely outlandish promises with no idea about how they will be funded is seen as the best way to get elected. That, and just hang it on the other candidate.
So here are my outlandish promises that will land me the votes.
The first one is quite important to me, quite dear to my heart…and I know I will get Dave’s vote here…but potato cakes and dim sims at the local canteen are never allowed to go beyond a $1. (Dave stands and applauds). It’s not a good feeling when you go to a canteen with a $2 coin and ask for two potato cakes and they say “That’s $2.20 please,” it makes me sick in the guts and shouldn’t be happening at our local grounds. I’ll fund the difference on that one. And to the Narre Warren Football Club, I pledge funding to build a fence around your ground so you can start charging people to get in your ground for the first time in 130 years.
And for the netballers, we need to put a roof over the courts. I watch the netballers play on wet courts and it makes me nervous. And finally, let’s wipe off a dollar for a can of beer at the footy…the Tyler Lewis Party will fund the difference to make the footy and netball experience more enjoyable.
DAVE: The roof one is actually a very good idea. Local councils are doing it to many lawn bowls greens around the region…I agree Tyler, I think netball courts should be next.
TYLER: Yeah, but Dave, I’ve got no idea where the funding’s coming from!
DAVE: That’s ideal, you’ve worked out this political caper in an instant. Lachie, you actually enjoy politics, so this scares me a bit, you might take this seriously, but what are you going to do for our local sporting communities.
LACHLAN: In the UK they provide free sanitary products for women, so I’m funding that, and many other items for women to be more comfortable playing sport, such as a re-development of change rooms and essential things like that. (Dave and Tyler simultaneously) “Yep, he’s taking it seriously”
Each child under the age of 10 will receive a complimentary ticket to the Boxing Day Test, and subscription services like Kayo and Foxtel will be fully tax deductable so everyone can watch all sports. And I’m investing $100million into the local community to ensure everyone in the region has access to sporting clubs and subs and fees are kept low. Every child will receive a free breakfast or lunch on game day…
DAVE: Lachie, whoa, whoa, whoa…you’re enjoying this way too much mate…and there’s no signs of stopping – you’re only getting started!
TYLER: You can tell no-one side-swiped his car yesterday (Tyler not happy) …he’s put way too much time into this.
LACHIE: I’ve got a lot more policies you guys but, for now, vote one…the Lachlan Mitchell Party.
DAVE: Nice work boys but I think I’m about to nail the votes with my policies. I’m promising a moratorium on Play Stations, X-Boxes, and any other video game platforms, between the hours of 3pm and 8pm on Tuesdays and Thursdays – that’ll get people back to training – but that’s not all…and I’m not talking about a set of steak knives here. I’m also bringing in a policy where kids from prep, all the way through to year-11, won’t pass their school exams each year unless they participate for at least four hours a week at a local sporting club. The kids will come flooding back to sport, and so will parents too…fixing up our volunteer problems as well. This politics thing isn’t that hard boys!
Tyler, tell me, why should I vote for you instead of Lachie on Saturday?
TYLER: I’d definitely be funnier and better to look at on the TV, let’s start with that, and I’m grass-roots, I know the cost of entry at a local footy ground and I don’t think Lachie, with the free passes he uses, would have any idea.
LACHLAN: Is it $15?
TYLER: See, that’s clearly a man that is out of touch with his local community…that’s why you should vote for me. It’s $8…$8 at most games I go to on the weekend.
DAVE: And Lachie, the same question for you mate. Why should I vote for you?
LACHIE: I’ve clearly got a plan, for females, for youth, for everyone that wants to play sport. I feel like under my government (Dave laughs) we can really take a step forward as a community.
DAVE: Mate, you need to be on Q and A…not Let’s Talk Sport!
TYLER: No-one is going to vote for him, he’s just being a flog.
THE FRONT BENCH
DAVE: Alright boys, well answered, but now you’re in office and you need to put together a front bench. What I want from you both…from our local sporting stars…is a flamboyant Governor General like Michaelia Cash, a Sports Minister most likely to be caught up in a sport rorts scandal, and a dependable Deputy PM that you can rely on.
Lachie, give us your three for the front bench?
LACHLAN: My Deputy PM is Kirk Dickson from Cranbourne. He plays second-fiddle to Marc Holt perfectly in the forward line, and if he can negotiate ‘Holty’ he can definitely negotiate with the Solomon Islands. He’s my deputy and right-hand man. I’m not sure about the sports rorts stuff, but Monique Conti from the Casey Cavs is my Governor General. She’s great at everything she puts her mind too, she’s popular, and a great negotiator of traffic, she’d be the one to fix up the problems of the world and play Biden and Putin on a break.
TYLER: Ryan Morrison is my Deputy PM, the best defender in the Eastern Premier Division for Noble Park, he’s Mr Dependable. My flamboyant Governor General is Harrison Money from Berwick, sneaky, smart and a bit of a live-off-the-crowd operator. And my other selection is Liam Myatt – Narre premiership player – tough as a cats head. Has had that many injuries and overcome them I’m pretty sure he is immortal. Not to mention they all start with M, great marketing scheme – Money, Myatt, Morrison… and Tyler.
DAVE: Well done Tyler but Nar Nar Goon ruckman Eamon Trigg is my Michaelia Cash in West Gippsland. He’s a bit out there, a bit quirky, but gets the job done on a weekly basis with a bit of pizazz and flair, and Will Papley from Bunyip is his deputy, he’s also pretty flamboyant and exciting. Xavier Hughes from Inverloch, and Max Blake from Phillip Island, both play with a bit of cheek and I reckon if there’s any trouble to be found on my front bench…with sports rorts and so on…then those two cheeky buggers will have their fingers in the pie somewhere. And my Deputy Prime Minister is Tooradin full-back Adam Galea. The bloke is as rock-solid as you would meet, he’s brave, loyal and a ripping bloke as well…I’d have him by my side every day of the week. He’d keep Eamon, Xavier and Max in line as well I reckon.
GAMES THAT MATTER
Boys, this week Tooradin-Dalmore hosts Inverloch-Kongwak in the first real test for Tooradin this season. What I want to know is, what games across the leagues that you cover have given the best indication yet of what might happen in September?
We’ll start with you Tyler.
TYLER: My two main leagues are Eastern and Outer East. The game that showed the most in Eastern was Noble Park and Vermont, where the Bulls absolutely outclassed Vermont – a team they had only defeated twice in the last 19 games. That was really impressive and left a lasting mark.
And I think the big one for me in Outer East happens this week between Narre Warren and Woori Yallock. We know what Pakenham offer, and on their day, they could run a side off their feet, but I think you have to beat Narre on the inside to beat them on the outside. I don’t think Pakenham is quite there yet on the inside, so I’m really excited to see how Woori match up against Narre at the coal-face. This week will give us a much better guide to what’s going on.
DAVE: Great assessment Tyler. Lachie…what’s the state of play in your leagues mate?
LACHLAN: In Southern Div 1 it’s looking like Cranbourne, Cheltenham and St Kilda City. Cranbourne struggled against Cheltenham on Good Friday. The Eagles got over the line against the Saints but the Saints were undermanned, missing Swanny (Dane Swan) and a couple of others, so what should be a good guide is probably something we’ll have to reassess later in the season. But Cranbourne has been hammered by injuries this season and how they’re handling the rest of the competition is pretty impressive at this stage. They’re only going to get stronger, they’re highly motivated…I think they’re the team to beat.
DAVE: For me, in West Gippsland, there’s been one stand-out game so far this season and that was Phillip Island and Inverloch a couple of weeks back, but that’s the only game where what I would consider the top-four contenders have played each other so far. That was a cracking game…Phillip Island ran over the top of Inverloch in the last 10 minutes in what was a ripping contest. Without obviously knowing what’s going to happen this weekend, I think Phillip Island, Inverloch and Tooradin are the three genuine contenders…with the Gooners an inch behind. Warragul and Bunyip are next best, with a gap to the others. But over the next five weeks those top-four plays each other…that will be our biggest guide so far.
If I had to have a stab right now…it’s Phillip Island by seven points over Tooradin-Dalmore in the big one.
Thanks boys, another entertaining edition of Let’s Talk Sport. And I’m sorry, but given the quality of candidates on this page…I voted independent!