FEW would look at the 53-year-old grandfather now, a gentle, thoughtful man, and think he may have been an emotionally abusive partner or father.
But this is how Dave reflects on himself many years ago … a time in his life when his partner would walk on eggshells around him and his children learnt to pick their moments when asking Dad a question.
Remembering that time 23-years-ago, Dave never realised the moment when his mask – which concealed his anger and frustration to the outside world – was lowered would one day inspire his greatest legacy.
“Change is possible,” said the man who is a perfect testament to his word.
Dave, who spent 18 months of his life recovering in a men’s behavioural change group, has gone on to spend the last decade of his life helping hundreds of other men work through their frustrations through his group Heavy M.E.T.A.L. (Men’s Education Towards Anger and Life).
“I am able to connect with them because I am empathetic, I have been there.”
The former landscaper, who, up until his early thirties, spent most of his days in work shorts and steel-capped boots, made it his life’s mission to help men battle their demons, after 18-months spent expelling his own.
“I thought I was a great guy. I was a hard worker. I didn’t play up I didn’t go to the pub. I was into family,” he recalled
“But one in particular blew out of hand.
“I got myself all sh*tty about something that wasn’t going my way and my partner put her foot down.
“She went off and I brewed and brewed and went to where she was wanting the car back because I suddenly had to do something more important in the car which was just me through a tantrum.
“She stood her ground and I took it to another level … I ended up pulling out a bit of pipe and smashing the front window of the car in front of 50-odd people.
“It was pretty scary and pretty horrible.”
In that moment, Dave said the mask he wore so well in front of friends and family had now been ripped from him and he knew he had a problem.
“It wasn’t a secret anymore. Everyone knew there was another side to me,” he recalled.
“The realisation got me panicked and I took off.”
Dave, who never struck his partner or children, then began his long journey toward recovery which made him realise the many faces of domestic violence.
“I had this pre-conceived idea that men’s programs were for wife bashers and physically violent people and that’s not what I was about,” he said.
“I got engaged in a men’s program for 18 months and started to realise with that and counselling, my partner used to walk on eggshells around me.
“I could have a look on my face or a mood about me and it pressed a play button about something that may have escalated nine months ago.”
After the long, self-reflective journey toward change, Dave “thought he was cured”, but began slipping back into his old ways.
“I caught myself starting to slip backward … getting wobbly wheels. I could sense I was dropping the ball and because I did so much work on myself to get to that point, I was quick to go back.”
But when he arrived at the building where he had accomplished such great change, he found the doors locked shut and no cars in sight.
Dave spent time getting back on his feet again at different support groups further east which led to a critical realisation – more needed to be available for men who are dealing with the complex issue.
Dave took to the phones as a men’s help volunteer.
“One night, I had a guy who was going to kill himself in a paddock somewhere with a shotgun,” he said.
“They had this rule that you’d finish the call in 20 minutes. I wound up talking with the guy for two-and-a-half hours. At the end, he turned around and said ‘I am so glad I rang you. I can’t wait until tomorrow comes because I will do some of the things we talked about’.
“As soon as we hung up, I knew he was in a good place. Tomorrow was another day and he would get there.”
Knowing the power of his story combined with his passion to help, Dave became qualified in helping facilitate families battling domestic violence, and began working face-to-face with clients.
During his work in community services, he noticed men weren’t returning for counselling based on a poor vibe floated by the support staff.
“Men felt they were being judged, and once they get that vibe, how is he going to change?” he questioned.
“Eventually, I decided I needed to start another program.”
Dave said he has counselled countless men through his program, run three times a week, from Narre Warren.
He said supporting women through the program, either face-to-face or over the phone, has always been a high priority.
“The woman’s safety is a priority for the whole program. Even when she’s not the one engaged in the program, we call her to make sure she is safe and ask for feedback,” Dave said.
Supporting the women dealing with domestic violence became such a priority that Heavy M.E.T.A.L. launched a specific women’s program six years ago.
“We have empowered a lot of women. Some women have come to us absolutely in shambles and have blossomed. They have either walked away or set their boundaries for the relationship and made it work,” Dave said.
“But we are careful not to build the woman up so she comes out all guns blazing because he won’t know how to deal with that so that’s putting her at a risk.”
He said working with women is just as important as working with men to relieve the rising problem of domestic violence.
“When it’s good, women make excuses for their partner’s behaviour. They want to hold onto the nice moments and women, being nurturers, want to keep everyone happy and together and keep harmony though the home but in a way it kind of enables the man to continue with their bad behaviour.”
“But if you’re not confident enough to express your point of view because you’re scared or think you’re going to get into an argument … there is some sort of emotional abuse going on.”
By helping couples work through abusive relationships, the program helps children escape the vicious cycle which often becomes generational.
“Men’s and women’s pressure cooker will fill and fill until it eventually explodes and the sad thing is, women’s pressure cooker often explodes on the kids,” he said.
“She’s mirroring her partner so the children are walking around on eggshells with mum. It’s a vicious cycle.”
Dave now works with troubled boys from local schools in the hope early education will reduce the issue.
“I had a mother come up to me a couple of years ago and said, ‘I want to thank you … Little Johnny who is now big Johnny is doing an apprenticeship and I have to thank-you,’” he recalled.
Dave’s program, along with the men he has helped counsel through domestic violence issues, will be featured in ABC documentary Call Me Dad later this year.
