It’s the week of weeks in the AFL world, with the grand final set to be played this Saturday between the Geelong Cats and Sydney Swans.
In a rare change of approach, this edition of Tyler’s Top 10 is constructed with fellow Star News Group journalist Marcus Uhe.
With the biggest game of the year, comes the biggest social event of the year: the Grand Final Day BBQ.
So the boys have whacked their footy minds together to list the top 10 erratic operators you’ll find at this Saturday’s BBQ…
10. Promising prospect: ‘Oh what could’ve been’ is the line this loser typically blurts out. This is the person that was certain to play AFL before a sprained ankle in Division Two under-13’s derailed what was destined to be a decorated career.
9. Sweep coordinator: A hero of the afternoon. They’re normally one of the few humans that still go to the time of cutting out the snippets of the Friday teams.
8. Gordon Ramsay: Not all heroes wear capes. This person is the chef of the afternoon that rarely watches the game, instead slaves away in the kitchen feeding the ungrateful group that have made themselves welcome on their couch or deck.
7. Self-entitled moron: Forgets their team is not playing and wears their team colours anyway. They don’t stop with the colours either, it’s normally the playing jumper that’s a solid three sizes too small. If they are a parent, they’ll sneak ribbons into hair or put some face paint on. It’s not footy day at school, your team sucks, just accept it.
6. Problem gambler: A seriously annoying piece of work. Doesn’t want a good game or a memory to be made, just wants to make a few bucks watching the footy. Take a good hard look at yourself, jerk.
5. Bitter-tasting Pie: This week it’ll be a Collingwood fan, but there’s always a supporter of a side that lost in the preliminary final that wishes they were on the other side of the September bracket.
4. Non-football delinquent: The attendee that is under the illusion they know what’s going on. They love yelling “GO” at the TV and are often dumbfounded when the ball is switched or kicked backwards. They make a big deal of the day, but are wondering why each free kick is paid.
3. Inebriated idiot: Won’t remember who played, who won or what happened over the course of the game. There’s more than one of these, hence its position on the list. They’ll be slaughtered before the first bounce and will come back asking ‘what happened?’ when they hear a roar during their 343rd trip to the bathroom.
2. Richmond nuff: Refers everything on grand final day back to Dusty and they’re a lock to bring up ‘The Arc’ this weekend. You’ll need to remind them that there are 17 other teams in the competition, because after a brief chat with them you’ll wonder if they truly know. If you want to make sure they never speak to you again, just remind them that Richo never won a flag and blamed the height of goal posts for it.
1. Tight-arse: This person is honestly the chewing gum on the shoe of society. They under-cater by bringing a $2 bottle of wine, but you’ll find them smashing your 21-year-old bottle of scotch. Do they bring food? Of course not, instead they’ll eat their weight in meat. Sports editor Dave Nagel is hosting a BBQ this weekend and one regular guest of the Nagel household has reportedly fallen into this category.
